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Monday, 13 April 2009
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高校で卒業したから、 今まで 人生の方向が迷った。格好 悪大学で失敗で ヒキコモリのようにいきてた。
家族と皆に迷惑をかけないようにウソを付いた。 いや、 実は 怖かった。このままの生活は 生けない… だから そのウソを 絶対に現実する。だから…その為に 軍に入った。大学の借金を完済してそして 必ず 大学で卒業する。その時まで 家族と友達に 許して下さい ウソを付いて。母に心配してたくないから。今 これは僕の目的
Wednesday, 17 December 2008
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戻りたい．．．帰りたい．．．
無理ですが―
今、僕の未来 ―
闇に包まれているの未来を ―
変えたい―
自分を変えたい ―
そして僕の世界も。
Tuesday, 13 May 2008
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Think i'd have to admit... death is too good for me in my present state
Saturday, 08 March 2008
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最低．．．俺．．．
Thursday, 31 January 2008
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@_@ took a rather long break from xanga... lol think it was just after reformating my laptop and forgetting about the xanga link and everything.
but the real reason is probably i became a bit socially resolved.
bad sleeping habits, irregular routine, lack of discipline/concentration.
in short i pretty much had lost hopes in life and resolved myself to face and waste... living emptily through reality (no suicidal thoughts there ppl ^_^).
Void of passion, of hope, and of sights or sounds of anything i desire. in a way i felt tied down by responsibility and expectations...
so i tried eluding them but that only worsened the situation.
freedom was no longer my aim or ideal.
rather escape or elude into delusion became the norm.
i've been able to witness firsthand how sin and irresponsibility degrades oneself... (don't go thinking overboard here ppls)
Winter break was indeed a much needed break.
i managed to find myself again by rediscovering the sense of self i once abandoned.
without realizing, i find myself somehow feeling "living" again. Still there are lifeless parts here and there.
but guess it's a good sign i am noticed them. Slowly taking steps to pump life into them.
However, still death does not scare me. Perhaps when i find something worth more... more looking forward to...
Dreams.. no not the goal type, rather the type that you experience while sleeping...
had a few meaningful ones... it doesn't feel like that i made myself to believing in order to live on...
but a few of them probably could have. it's mysterious how it works...
Set out on a journey across the land. For some reason everyone was constantly progressing and trying to reach a certain far away destination. Traveled through different cities and terrains. Met up and said farewell with several friends and acquaintances who were also traveling. As if it was natural to always be with me and travel together, there was a specific female companion. While traveling there would be several difficult or dangerous routes ranging from a deteriorating city with weak collapsible terrain that was ravaged by earthquake(s). Throughout them she and i naturally allow and trust each other to protect one another, navigate and tough through obstacles along the way. In fact, our trust in each other and manner of facing difficult/dangerous situations were so natural like we already know what each one would do and did to get out of dangerous situations. Our instinctive trust were so natural that if danger came crashing down on us in a narrow passage we'd manage to dodge a momentary danger by fitting into a small tight crevice in a split instant that would normally be impossible for two people to fit into without prior thought/positioning consideration. Aside from complementing each other's abilities and actions, we shared a deep relationship. It was love... but not like any i have known so far nor could i describe it; neither lacking nor excessive, fast nor slow, indifferent nor passionate, balanced nor imbalanced, heavenly nor earthly..... Anyway woke up before the destination was reached XD
But the experiences; the weather, the taste of food and thirst relief and tastes of beverages, the weight of clothes, the smell of the fields, the wind across the skin, the touch and grip of the hand felt all so real. So realistic that i can recall her warmth and/or coolness felt through the softness of her hand, the bonyness of her fingers and the hardness of her nails.
There were other dreams... there was one more that seemed/felt as if it was the same dream but it carried on as if it was before or after the events of the previous dream. Had a nightmare that i slept through 3 weeks of class and had total crisis trying to catch up on hw and tests... >_<
Other dreams breathed life into a few aspects of my life through inspiration, awe, or conviction i think.... hehehe
well even if they are symbolic, make believe or truly a good omen of things to come... i think it was good to experience them... it was a while since i had dreams until recently
KaMiKazy
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- Member Since: 1/2/2004
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